..... here I made some progress in my writing
That is what I was going through when
I stayed with my grandparents. I wrote those letters to my parents, hoping that
they would grasp the intensity of my emotional experience. When I wrote, it was
more than words, it was a prayer. In my heart I had assurance that my plea for
justice and deliverance was understood. It was obvious that what I wrote should
be acted upon immediately. It was clear to me that my parents await my feedback
upon which they will decide immediately whether to wait or to take the next
plain to Ukraine and deliver me from this predicament. So why they didn’t, and
how come they didn’t respond? Who was it that I knew was listening? Who was
this that I knew understood my pain? People cannot understand your pain! They
can sympathies, they can try! But their circumstances and their personal
emotional experience will always come first. This is the basics of human
survival! If one would sympathies for others too much he will not survive. The
best example is the one who didn’t look upon his own suffering and his own
difficulty but the hopelessness of the world and his people. He is the ultimate
example of self-denial and love in all the human History! His Name Is Yeshua!
Jesus! He is the one I felt understands my pain, but I was spiritually blind so
I put my eyes on those I saw physically and comprehended their existence. And I
was hurt and disappointed as my prayer to them were unanswered because of their
own limitations. It’s said: “And without faith it is impossible to please
God, for whoever would approach him must believe that he exists and that he
rewards those who seek him.” Hebrews
11:6 (NRSV)
So I was
coming and coming to God, but I had no Faith. He was their yet I could not see
Him. I pitied myself, but it was His mercy that I felt. And all through the
years, though all the situations I went through, even the day was slashing my
wrist in a shower 9 years later, He was there to save me, stopping the blood
from flowing helping me to survive . I still did not see Him, but maybe for a
moment. I still wanted to survive and do my own thing and claim justice for myself,
not realizing I did not deserve anything. I did not need justice, as all I
needed is Mercy and Love. I needed someone to love me enough to lay himself
down completely for me. I did not
understand love as a human trait as it always had selfishness in the center of
it. So I did not comprehend its existence. I needed a revelation, enlightenment.
I needed a change. A change that would not come before I was already 19 years
old. The oldest 19 years old in the universe. I was tired, tired of life, tired
of myself, I had no desire to survive anymore. At least not like this. I knew
that unless things change I would have no hope in life. I know that that is where
things started to change for me and my relationship with The One who was always
there, waiting for me to ask for help from the right source. I was at a place
where I was able to receive the gift, The Gift of Faith .
1985
This was a year of great distress for my soul as a child. In
the summer of 1985 my parents, my older brother and I have flown to Ukraine to
visit our grandparents and relatives as we were the only ones living outside
Ukraine. All our close relatives lived in a city called Zhitomir which is 2 hours’
drive from Kiev, the capital of Ukraine. The summer was always fun in Zhitomir,
except the mosquitoes that usually plagued the city and caused me to look like
I had chicken pokes all summer. We would go to the lake and swim all day until I
would become red as a lobster, as back then we didn't have sunblock. We would
visit with our grandparents and uncles and aunts and really have a good time
for it was the summer vacation and all the kids in the family were free from
school. I don't remember much but I do not remember I was bored.
3 years prior to that, my older
brother who is 3.5 years older then I asked to stay with my mother’s parents
for a year. My mother's parents lived on the edge of the town, next to the
forest and close to a river and they had many animals and many fruit trees and
berries in the front yard. Well it is a fantasy for a 6 year old boy, especially
for an active one like my older brother. So they left him there and I am not
sure how did my year looked without him. Did I miss him or not I do not
remember as I was less than 3 years old. So next year we returned again for the
summer and brought Sasha back. Ever since I wanted also to stay there with my
mother’s parents for a while as I enjoyed being with them. My grandfather was a
role model for me of a strong capable man who built, raised food through
agriculture and animals. Full of authority and strength, in spite of his heavy
stutter and a toothless mouth as a result of a shell shock from The 2nd
World War, caused by an explosion, which in my mind made him even more off a
hero in my eyes.
The summer of 1984 we flew to
Ukraine from Kazakhstan, Alma-Ata as usual and I remember enjoying the summer
as usual though we had spent more time than usual in my father's parent’s
apartment. I did like being there as I had many kids to play from the building
in which my grandparents lived. As the summer came to an end, it was time to
fly back home to Kazakhstan. I loved my home in Kazakhstan as we also lived
next to a large park and I had many friends in the neighborhood. The life was
simple but easy. My father was a respected Track and Field coach in Dynamo,
Alma-Ata and I would visit the stadium often and enjoy all the privileges of a coach’s
son. I would go to the pool for free and run around the sports complex like it
belonged to me. So the night on which we were supposed to fly came and I was
sitting in a warm bath while my grandmother rubbed my back with a rough sponge.
My grandmother Yevgenia or as we called her Lala was very respecter PHD in her
city and “although” being Jewish people insisted on having her as their Doctor.
She treated hard cases of diabetes and other sicknesses under the responsibility
of an endocrinologist. She was not very gentle as a grandmother. My grandfather
was a reserve Major in the Soviet Army and a member of the Communist Party. In
the same time he worked as an engineer in the military industry. His main trait
was discipline and as he demanded discipline of himself the same was expected
from those around him. I could not get away with anything. I was happy to be
removed from his care. The excitement of going on board a plane was felt in the
air. Grandma was checking my nails, my ears and I was playing in the water.
Suddenly I heard commotion in the hallway, right outside the bathroom door and
a door opening. Noises of footsteps and bags dragged echoed through the
stairwell of the building. I felt scared. What is going on, I asked my
grandmother. She told me to sit down as I am wet and it is cold outside. I
shouted: “where is Mama and Papa? “. “Why are they going?” “Why are they
leaving me? Tell them to stop! Mama! Papa! Don't go! You can't go without me !
I don't want to stay! I want to go home with you! Why are you going?! “ . Fear
and loneliness heat me like an electrical current, racing through my body. I
cried and screamed and did not understand what happened. I was betrayed by
people I trusted the most. Why would they do something like that? My
grandmother said that they decided to leave me as I mentioned couple of times
my desire to stay in Ukraine like Sasha did and if they would tell me and let
me walk them off I would not let them go. I thought: “off coarse I wouldn’t!
This is insanity, how could they do this to me, at least tell me goodbye, talk
to me, explain, prepare me for what is happening. But they ran from me while I
was in the bath tub, naked, guarded by my grandmother. “
Now, many years later, after knowing the
healing touch of Heaven and receiving ministry from The Spirit of Yeshua I can
look on this with different eyes. Not necessarily as the one that is hurt and
abused and abandoned, but rather through the eyes of one who knows the Lord
sensing His presence even then at this unfortunate situation. Knowing that, He
is there for the brokenhearted, the meek
and the lonely. Children are one off those that are included in this group of
the meek and humble that God honors with His Grace. Children are so tender
emotionally that if His angels would not protect them they would not stand a
chance against the attacks of Satan and his demons against their soft hearts.
Indeed the human race would be extinct long time ago if it wasn't for the
mercies of The King of Kings and Lord of Lords who governs this earth through
His Mighty Breath and Wisdom.
So I was seven and was
supposed to go to 1st grade without my Mama preparing me for school
and choosing the backpack for me and being exited for my first step in life as
a student. I believe that my grandmother did the best she knew how, but for a
whole year I had to carry the sense of abandonment and bitterness and fear. My parent actually devised a plan that because
they experienced financial difficulties it was decided that my grandparents
would take care of me for one year to lighten their load. Though I know it
sounds strange, they in fact believed it to be a good plan and it took them
years to actually admit that they perhaps made a mistake.
That day in the bathtub
Satan opened a door of bitterness and anger in my soul. A sense of injustice
entered my heart and followed me till my adulthood. My rebellion as a teenager
always came out of a struggle for some type of justice or another. I would
accuse my parents for not loving me and not caring for me. Satan used this year
to make my and my parent's life miserable for the rest of my teen years and
even after my life was already changed by the Love of Yeshua in 1997 when it
was already too late, almost.
I wrote my parents letters
every day. Telling them how much I missed them and what I am going through. My
grandfather treated me like a soldier, not giving me any relief. He would even
beat me with his belt for not drawing the sidelines in the notebook correctly.
With time I came to actually hate him. I hated the breath from his mouth. I
hated how he sipped his tea in the morning. I hated his mustache and how it
moved when he ate or drank. And even though there might have been good days,
happy days on which I probably enjoyed life, all I remember is the loneliness,
gray days and sadness. As a 7 year old boy I experienced the depth of emotions
I believe a boy this age shouldn't. I was opened to a world of extremes in
which a child eventually will attach himself to spiritual forces that would
have one purpose and one purpose only and it’s to kill, steal, and destroy. I
believe that I even contemplated suicide during this year.
Never the less what I have
discovered through my walk with Yeshua, Jesus is that in spite of all my pain
as a child, all the hopelessness is that He was there to comfort me. He was
there loving me. I did not know it, I did not comprehend that was a tangible
presence of Him. The Holy Spirit, Jesus was there. I didn’t know Him. And
that’s why I believe we need to be born from The Spirit. We need to be reborn
in our spiritual nature so that we can comprehend and be aware of Him. We need
to understand that He is real! He is there waiting on us! Yes, He is the
Creator of the Universe! Yes, He is the Judge of all the earth! And yes, He is
the Lover of our souls! He functions on all levels! It is said by Apostle Paul
that the purpose of all this is the salvation of our souls! I believe that God
is there for everyone, those who believe in Him and those that don’t even have
a clue. He is wooing them, and drawing them to Himself! When Paul speaks of
salvation, what is he speaking of? Some would say it is forgiveness of sins, through
His death on the cross. But what does this mean? Yeshua was speaking of New
Birth, something that would allow us to see and taste the Kingdom of Heaven. He
spoke of this to an elder, a member of the Sanhedrin, the council of priests in
the time of the second Temple. He knew all that had to do with how to worship
God correctly according to the written protocol. He was wise in human terms. He
didn’t need more information. He told Jesus that he believed that He was sent
of God on account of the sign that following His message. What Yeshua was
giving Necadimus that night is not new information. He was offering Him a new
revelation! Necadimus needed to know the reality of God! In his mind he was an
elder, a teacher of Israel. But in His heart he was still a child asking : “
Where are you God? Are you real? Will you help me? I need you! “.
That is what I was going through when
I stayed with my grandparents. I wrote those letters to my parents, hoping that
they would grasp the intensity of my emotional experience. When I wrote, it was
more than words, it was a prayer. In my heart I had assurance that my plea for
justice and deliverance was understood. It was obvious that what I wrote should
be acted upon immediately. It was clear to me that my parents await my feedback
upon which they will decide immediately whether to wait or to take the next
plain to Ukraine and deliver me from this predicament. So why they didn’t, and
how come they didn’t respond? Who was it that I knew was listening? Who was
this that I knew understood my pain? People cannot understand your pain! They
can sympathies, they can try! But their circumstances and their personal
emotional experience will always come first. This is the basics of human
survival! If one would sympathies for others too much he will not survive. The
best example is the one who didn’t look upon his own suffering and his own
difficulty but the hopelessness of the world and his people. He is the ultimate
example of self-denial and love in all the human History! His Name Is Yeshua!
Jesus! He is the one I felt understands my pain, but I was spiritually blind so
I put my eyes on those I saw physically and comprehended their existence. And I
was hurt and disappointed as my prayer to them were unanswered because of their
own limitations. It’s said: “And without faith it is impossible to please
God, for whoever would approach him must believe that he exists and that he
rewards those who seek him.” Hebrews
11:6 (NRSV)
So I was
coming and coming to God, but I had no Faith. He was their yet I could not see
Him. I pitied myself, but it was His mercy that I felt. And all through the
years, though all the situations I went through, even the day was slashing my
wrist in a shower 9 years later, He was there to save me, stopping the blood
from flowing helping me to survive . I still did not see Him, but maybe for a
moment. I still wanted to survive and do my own thing and claim justice for myself,
not realizing I did not deserve anything. I did not need justice, as all I
needed is Mercy and Love. I needed someone to love me enough to lay himself
down completely for me. I did not
understand love as a human trait as it always had selfishness in the center of
it. So I did not comprehend its existence. I needed a revelation, enlightenment.
I needed a change. A change that would not come before I was already 19 years
old. The oldest 19 years old in the universe. I was tired, tired of life, tired
of myself, I had no desire to survive anymore. At least not like this. I knew
that unless things change I would have no hope in life. I know that that is where
things started to change for me and my relationship with The One who was always
there, waiting for me to ask for help from the right source. I was at a place
where I was able to receive the gift, The Gift of Faith .
For by grace
you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing;
it is the gift of God,
In addition to that in the
spring of 1986 another tragic event occurred, but on global proportion. The
nuclear plant in Chernobyl that was 196 kilometers away from Zhitomir
experienced a meltdown. There was panic across all Soviet Union. Though no one
was really informed by the seriousness of what has happened. All we were told
is that we should wear more clothes and have a head covering. Perhaps this was
tragically to my benefit for my parents started to be concerned for my well being
and counted the days till the school year would be over.
I witnessed a very uniqe accurance
in human history. The Chernobyl catastrophy was a real thing. The more it is
investigated the more tragic it appears. Masses died from the explosion and the
radiation that followed. Nature was influenced dramaticly, as mutations of
plants and animals began to appear. People were telling of huge mushrums were
found in the forests of Ukraine in the vaciniity of Chernobyl and other areas.
With all that said the Comunist govermant kept the nation under close control
and disinformation. The people were told that as long as they use head covering
for the first week everything would be allright. So in the warm summer of
Zhitomyr my grandmother made me put on a fur hat and a sweter. People were
consurned, yet as a child I don’t think I gave this much thought. All I cared
about is that the school year is soon over and I will return home. I was happy.
The spring in Ukrain was beautiful. Green everywhere, gentle clouds flowting
across a wonderful blue sky. It was for the first time that I have witnessed
Zhitomyr preparing for the summer I loved so much. Allthough this time I was
happy to spend it elsewhere. I was going home. I won’t have to feel the angry
breath of my grandfather, and the complaints of my grandmother. All the rest of
the relatives that always made me feel like an outsider. They always made me
feel like I was not good enough. I never understood why. Was it because my
parents had less money than them? Was there something concerning their past
relationship with my dad? Where they angry at him because he left Ukraine? Was
it because always opposed my grandfather in his zeal for communism? Was it his
desire to leave The USSR and immigrate to Israel? Maybe it was just me
projecting my distress on them. Maybe I expected them to adopt me as I lacked
my family and they did not get the message? Either way all that did not matter,
as in my world everything was perfect! My soul was filled with hope and excitement.
Even in school the environment changed. Everyone was excited about the school
year ending. The children had a measure of envy knowing I will soon travel away
to far exotic Republic of Kazakhstan where I am from.
Soon
it was over and I was preparing to leave. I do not remember whether I was given
a farewell by my relatives. I do not remember packing. All I remember is riding
in a train to Moscow through Kiev. I am not even sure that that was the
destination. All I know is there was a train and then somehow we arrived to
Moscow to meet my father who attended a training camp there at the time. I was
drunk with hope and excitement!
My father was representing The Dynamo Alma-Ata as a Track
and Field coach. He was staying in “Rosia” hotel with the rest of the Coaches
and athletes from Kazakhstan. I was given a princely welcome! I knew all the
coaches and they all remembered me (surprisingly this was a wonder to me.). I
was taken to the Hotel’s restaurant and got all the treats I desired. I even do
not remember my grandpa leaving. I left all to do with the past year behind as
if it never happened.
We went to the Red Square and I saw the Royal Palace which
I use to paint as a child. It was a beautiful day! How different was the past
year from what I felt at those moments. How amazing it is, that our emotional perception
defines our reality. In fact I know that my distress was induced by my
perception of the circumstances. If only my parents would prepare me for this
and had my agreement, this could have turned into an adventure for me. If the abandonment
sting would be removed, everything would be different.
You know, I was
speaking with my grandmother recently who is 92 at the moment and probably in
her last stages of life. I was just inquiring of her health and asking random questions
people ask relatives on the phone and then suddenly she started telling me of
how they love me and that they always loved me… even when I lived with them in
Zhitomir. I am 36 at the time of writing this and so she is suddenly referring to
something happened 29 years ago when I was 7. She said that even when she was
strict with me she loved me. That was very important moment to me. All I could
tell her is that I know they loved me.
I do understand this write now, I really do. Although the
first time I have actually know I felt Love is when I was 19, the night I knew
for the first time that God was real and that my spiritual and emotional rescuer
was always there, I just needed someone to point me into the right direction.
When I looked He was there with His arms open, waiting for me… If I saw Him
then, in Zhitomir I know that He would become my best friend and all I needed my
father, my mother, my brother and comforter. Then I would be able to enjoy all
that my grandparents did for me and be patient when they disciplined me. That
day in Moscow I would appreciate the time my grandpa took me to the art and
painting classes. Waiting patiently for me to finish, inspect my paintings and encourage
me to continue. Even today although for many years I haven’t done anything to
do with Art he asks me occasionally whether I still paint and that it is an
important gift I have and I should have invested more into it. He is probably
right though the many years of rehabilitation and building myself up in my
spirit and trying to survive in the world in the same time did not leave me
much desire to pore over canvases except few occasions in which I dabbled with
some oil colors. I knew they loved me. None of this was their fault. One
mistake followed by another and so the father of all lies built a nest of wasps
in my heart which defined the rest of my life story and it would probably ended
with the time I sat in the shower in the age of 16 stabbing my wrist with a box
cutter while Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” blasted in the background, but even then
the One waiting for me with His Arms open poured all of His Mercy upon me
stopping the blood from flowing and by His Grace sparing my life even though I
made every mistake I possibly could. But I will get back to this later.
To be continued…
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