“Show me Your Love”
The story of
one's life is very intimate to the one telling the story. Most share their life
experiences with those closest to them. It is a challenge to expose yourself as
those who want to criticize you and judge you are free to do so. You have no
control over it. It is a sense of vulnerability for which you need lots of
courage and a sense of a higher purpose. Why would you expose your dirty laundry?
In fact it is encouraging to see
what you went through in your life because you have overcame and the other
reason stems from the same. You have went through difficulties and have
discovered something that have actually pulled you through and out of this
experience and now you are at a place this can actually benefit someone who
needs to hear of a dramatic change in someone’s life to ignite his or hers
heart with hope and motivation and a sense of purpose.
Well, this is
why I have decided to put in writing what I have gone through. I am not an
extraordinary man in general. I am not a famous millionaire. I am not a
charismatic leader. What I am is a man who came into life and confronting it
saw that there is something missing in this world and though had no ability to
explain this lack went searching for it within and without. My story is a story
of searching; my story is a story of dreaming. This is a story of truth, and a
story of destiny. This is story of identity and, a story of love. Truth,
Destiny, Identity and Love are all things important to every man even if he
doesn't realize it. Without the above life is not really life. It is a shadowy
version of existence. We all exist but actually few really live. Yes it might
sound as a cliché yet I believe clichés became what they are because many
statements promise dramatic reality yet do not produce it. Well I can tell you
that our existence is as dramatic as any adventure book or romance or a science
fiction novel can produce. Probably more as it is not limited to human
imagination, but to a very potent and mystical reality of this universe.
Cynics are usually “recovering” romantics,
disappointed by the daily life's monotonous rhythms and counterfeit morals and
passions. I was also a “recovering” cynic. I was a child dreaming of adventure
and romance and passion and destiny. Playing Robin Hood with my friends in the
groves of Kazakhstan where I grew up, I felt all those things, passion,
adventure, justice and destiny.
Through the
emotional abandonment I experienced as a child lack of hope set in and peace
was not a portion in my life from early ages as 6-9. Growing up in a Communist country,
you lack morals that intended to guide your life. In every culture where people
lose moral guidance and the only thing there is patriotism to the country and
personal ambition, frustration arises. People in a national and spiritual
crises default at some point to the more animal existence and so you receive
symptoms like crime, drugs and alcohol and sexual abuse.
At this moment I sense that The
Holy Spirit wants to touch you and bless you. Right now I speak to all those reading
this book, I am proclaiming over you, life and freedom in the Name of Yeshua
the Image and the Glory of the Living God! You who are abused and abandoned, I speak to
you who are depressed and suicidal. You might be a believer and call yourself
Christian, but you struggle, you are afraid, you are confused, you feel there
is no hope. And I tell you today that there is hope, salvation is here. Yeshua
is here to embrace you. “Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will
give you rest. “(Matthew 11:28). Come to Me says the Lord, Come to Me, don't
run away! Rise early in the morning before the sunrise, and call on My Name
says the Lord of Hosts, the God of Israel, The Eternal One, and The Word of God
that became Flesh. Come, Come, Come to Me! “ I urge you to look into the Eyes
of Yeshua, imagine Him on the mountain of Beatitudes where He sat down and
spoke to the people of Israel , almost 2000 years ago in the heat of the Middle
Eastern sun. Hair burnt by the sun, dark skin, maybe even sweating. He was
there because He loved them. As John 3:16 says , He came to the world because
He loved the world, He came so that through Him the people of Israel and then
everyone who would believe in Him would not be lost but have Eternal,
supernatural life. If you would believe in Him , if you make a decision to
believe in Him , believe that when He spoke to those crowds in Israel under the
heat of the day He was thinking of you, He was thinking of your suffering, of
your confusion, and He wants you to be saved and Have Life, abundant life! Good
Life ! Happy Life! Psalm 16:11 says - “You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures
forevermore.” therefore it is God expressed will for you to experience life and
fullness of joy and pleasures eternally. And those blessings and experiences
are possessed only in His presence , only at His blessed Hand, He is the One
who makes known to us the path of life! That is why we must call on His Name
with expectation to receive an answer. He is not a poor and weak God , but He
is the Possessor of the heavens and The earth
In the
Story of Abraham , he receives an curious blessing from Malki Tzedek the Priest
of Shalem ( whole , peace ) who is commonly identified with the Person of the
Messiah . In Genesis 14:19 it is said: “ And
he blessed him and said, “Blessed be Abram by God Most High, Possessor of
heaven and earth.” He blessed Abraham who at the time was called Avram in
Hebrew which is referring to pagan god ( exalted father ) still bearing traces
of his earthly past. Malki Tzedek blessed Avram by or in The Name of His God
who he knew as the one who Possess the heavens and the earth. Then Avram or
Abraham had a revelation of God's Goodness and Power and his personal
connection to him as a mere human. Wow ! God , the Possessor of heavens and the
earth interested in me , God's mercy endures forever and has no boundaries! He
is good not only to the faithful, but He is also good to the unfaithful!
Therefore you always have hope, even if you feel or even know that you haven't
been faithful to God, call on His Name, ask Him to show you His Love and
Faithfulness and he will give you hope, he will give you instruction, he will
show you the path of life and correct you if needed, even convict you of sin or
any wrong thing in your life that might be hindering you from walking in God's
perfect will. After this revelation Avram had a situation where he was offered
a reward from the heathen kings for defeating their enemies and Abraham's
answer was amazing and full of conviction in Genesis 14:22,23 : “But Abram said
to the king of Sodom, “I have lifted my hand to the Lord, God Most High, Possessor of heaven and earth, that I would not take a thread or a
sandal strap or anything that is yours, lest you should say, ‘I have made Abram
rich.’ Why did he trust this God so much and with such conviction, he trusted
Him because He knew Him. He trusted this God because he spoke with Him. He
trusted Him because God taught Him that when He speaks, things come to pass.
When He speaks circumstances change! People with no home and nomadic, receive a
hope of a land that would belong to them and that one day they would eat the
fruit of it and live there and prosper as a nation. Barren women receive a hope
of having a child and to prolong their family line. Abraham knew this God was
not just a story in a book. This God was not only the actual Creator and The
Only One who can possess the entire universe. Jeremiah 9:24 says “...but let
him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love,
justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight,
declares the Lord.” Many people
talk about God, and faith. But do they actually “know” The Lord?
Do you know Him?
1985
This was a year of great distress for my soul as a child. In
the summer of 1985 my parents, my older brother and I have flown to Ukraine to
visit our grandparents and relatives as we were the only ones living outside
Ukraine. All our close relatives lived in a city called Zhitomir which is 2 hours’
drive from Kiev, the capital of Ukraine. The summer was always fun in Zhitomir,
except the mosquitoes that usually plagued the city and caused me to look like
I had chicken pokes all summer. We would go to the lake and swim all day until I
would become red as a lobster, as back then we didn't have sunblock. We would
visit with our grandparents and uncles and aunts and really have a good time
for it was the summer vacation and all the kids in the family were free from
school. I don't remember much but I do not remember I was bored.
3 years prior to that, my older
brother who is 3.5 years older then I asked to stay with my mother’s parents
for a year. My mother's parents lived on the edge of the town, next to the
forest and close to a river and they had many animals and many fruit trees and
berries in the front yard. Well it is a fantasy for a 6 year old boy, especially
for an active one like my older brother. So they left him there and I am not
sure how did my year looked without him. Did I miss him or not I do not
remember as I was less than 3 years old. So next year we returned again for the
summer and brought Sasha back. Ever since I wanted also to stay there with my
mother’s parents for a while as I enjoyed being with them. My grandfather was a
role model for me of a strong capable man who built, raised food through
agriculture and animals. Full of authority and strength, in spite of his heavy
stutter and a toothless mouth as a result of a shell shock from The 2nd
World War, caused by an explosion, which in my mind made him even more off a
hero in my eyes.
The summer of 1984 we flew to
Ukraine from Kazakhstan, Alma-Ata as usual and I remember enjoying the summer
as usual though we had spent more time than usual in my father's parent’s
apartment. I did like being there as I had many kids to play from the building
in which my grandparents lived. As the summer came to an end, it was time to
fly back home to Kazakhstan. I loved my home in Kazakhstan as we also lived
next to a large park and I had many friends in the neighborhood. The life was
simple but easy. My father was a respected Track and Field coach in Dynamo,
Alma-Ata and I would visit the stadium often and enjoy all the privileges of a coach’s
son. I would go to the pool for free and run around the sports complex like it
belonged to me. So the night on which we were supposed to fly came and I was
sitting in a warm bath while my grandmother rubbed my back with a rough sponge.
My grandmother Yevgenia or as we called her Lala was very respecter PHD in her
city and “although” being Jewish people insisted on having her as their Doctor.
She treated hard cases of diabetes and other sicknesses under the responsibility
of an endocrinologist. She was not very gentle as a grandmother. My grandfather
was a reserve Major in the Soviet Army and a member of the Communist Party. In
the same time he worked as an engineer in the military industry. His main trait
was discipline and as he demanded discipline of himself the same was expected
from those around him. I could not get away with anything. I was happy to be
removed from his care. The excitement of going on board a plane was felt in the
air. Grandma was checking my nails, my ears and I was playing in the water.
Suddenly I heard commotion in the hallway, right outside the bathroom door and
a door opening. Noises of footsteps and bags dragged echoed through the
stairwell of the building. I felt scared. What is going on, I asked my
grandmother. She told me to sit down as I am wet and it is cold outside. I
shouted: “where is Mama and Papa? “. “Why are they going?” “Why are they
leaving me? Tell them to stop! Mama! Papa! Don't go! You can't go without me !
I don't want to stay! I want to go home with you! Why are you going?! “ . Fear
and loneliness heat me like an electrical current, racing through my body. I
cried and screamed and did not understand what happened. I was betrayed by
people I trusted the most. Why would they do something like that? My
grandmother said that they decided to leave me as I mentioned couple of times
my desire to stay in Ukraine like Sasha did and if they would tell me and let
me walk them off I would not let them go. I thought: “off coarse I wouldn’t!
This is insanity, how could they do this to me, at least tell me goodbye, talk
to me, explain, prepare me for what is happening. But they ran from me while I
was in the bath tub, naked, guarded by my grandmother. “
Now, many years later, after knowing the
healing touch of Heaven and receiving ministry from The Spirit of Yeshua I can
look on this with different eyes. Not necessarily as the one that is hurt and
abused and abandoned, but rather through the eyes of one who knows the Lord
sensing His presence even then at this unfortunate situation. Knowing that, He
is there for the brokenhearted, the meek
and the lonely. Children are one off those that are included in this group of
the meek and humble that God honors with His Grace. Children are so tender
emotionally that if His angels would not protect them they would not stand a
chance against the attacks of Satan and his demons against their soft hearts.
Indeed the human race would be extinct long time ago if it wasn't for the
mercies of The King of Kings and Lord of Lords who governs this earth through
His Mighty Breath and Wisdom.
So I was seven and was
supposed to go to 1st grade without my Mama preparing me for school
and choosing the backpack for me and being exited for my first step in life as
a student. I believe that my grandmother did the best she knew how, but for a
whole year I had to carry the sense of abandonment and bitterness and fear. My parent actually devised a plan that because
they experienced financial difficulties it was decided that my grandparents
would take care of me for one year to lighten their load. Though I know it
sounds strange, they in fact believed it to be a good plan and it took them
years to actually admit that they perhaps made a mistake.
That day in the bathtub
Satan opened a door of bitterness and anger in my soul. A sense of injustice
entered my heart and followed me till my adulthood. My rebellion as a teenager
always came out of a struggle for some type of justice or another. I would
accuse my parents for not loving me and not caring for me. Satan used this year
to make my and my parent's life miserable for the rest of my teen years and
even after my life was already changed by the Love of Yeshua in 1997 when it
was already too late, almost.
I wrote my parents letters
every day. Telling them how much I missed them and what I am going through. My
grandfather treated me like a soldier, not giving me any relief. He would even
beat me with his belt for not drawing the sidelines in the notebook correctly.
With time I came to actually hate him. I hated the breath from his mouth. I
hated how he sipped his tea in the morning. I hated his mustache and how it
moved when he ate or drank. And even though there might have been good days,
happy days on which I probably enjoyed life, all I remember is the loneliness,
gray days and sadness. As a 7 year old boy I experienced the depth of emotions
I believe a boy this age shouldn't. I was opened to a world of extremes in
which a child eventually will attach himself to spiritual forces that would
have one purpose and one purpose only and it’s to kill, steal, and destroy. I
believe that I even contemplated suicide during this year.
follow to get the next part of my story...
